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A little honesty...

23:09 | Labels:

Hello everyone, 

I haven't blogged for a while and I honestly couldn't say why but tonight I have decided I am going to write probably the most honest blog to date. 
I hate my life so much and I don't understand why. I have an amazing (most of the time) boyfriend, I have a couple of great friends, I have a mum who drops everything to try and help me, I'm going to Uni in September to study something I am passionate about, I have everything materialistially that I could possibly want and more than what I need; but still I wake up on a daily basis and wish I hadn't, wishing I was dead. 

At the beginning of this year I was just over ten stone and a size ten, I wasn't happy then but I could live with it. In February this year I started a new tablet called mirtazapine, it didn't help with my mood at all but it did work as a sedative which meant I started sleeping properly. However, one of the side effects was increased appetite and weight gain-within the space of a month or so I put on two stone and this week I bought a size sixteen dress. 

I went to Uni in September 2012, I put my all into freshers and worked relatively hard at the course (for a first year anyway).  In December that year all this started and I ended up leaving university with no qualification and with none of the friends I made in freshers. What if this time round I do the exact same thing? This year due to my tablets I cant drink and the thought of meeting new people sober actually scares me so much. 

I don't enjoy going out with Jamie or my friends, the idea of going out fills me with complete dread. This weekend Jamie and I went to the casino and had to leave at about ten because I couldn't handle how busy it was getting. We won too so it wasn't even that we were low on money! In the past year or so I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I have been out and enjoyed myself and not worried about how I look or what people think of me or not get really really anxious. 

Since my dad died I haven't felt like my 'family' is much of one. We are just a group of three people living together and being related as opposed to a family of four living together. I don't like the house we live in, on a good day it upsets me because it makes me think of my dad but on a bad day its even worse. Everywhere in our house reminds me of dad and I hate is so so much, I cant wait to move out and I would love nothing more than to leave and never come back here. 

I'm in way over my head in terms of money and I'm unemployed at the moment so there is nothing I can do about it. Everyday I get stressed out about how much money I owe and there's nothing I can do to sort it out, and believe me I have tried. I can't afford to buy myself any nice things, all I want is a new pair of trainers!

I don't know what to do anymore, I have tried different tablets and therapies but when things constantly don't work i cant keep trying new things with a positive attitude and I no longer have any hope that anything will work. 

Thank you for reading and I'm sorry it was so negative!

xxx

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A little mention for my not so little dad on Father's Day.

23:03 | Labels: ,

Hola guys & dolls,

As it's Father's Day today I've decided to dedicate this post to my amazing dad. As most of you will know my dad passed away nearly seven years ago, in August 2007, after a six month battle with lung cancer. I still miss him more than I can put into words, he was my hero. Obviously every day I think of him and miss him but today, when everyone is posting pictures and Facebook status's celebrating their dads it really hits me that I will never get to take another photo with my dad, or tell him how much he means to me (even if it is over Facebook or Twitter). I would give anything to have one last chance to see him, to ask him all the questions I have and to give him the biggest hug in the world.

 A lot of different medical professionals have focused on the loss of my dad as the central cause of my depression. Whilst without a doubt loosing him is a massive trauma to go through I know its not the only, nor the main reason for my depression. However when I am feeling really low in mood I wonder whether my dad would be proud of me even though I dropped out of university or even though I stayed for so long in a job I didn't like or even considering some of the bad decisions i have made? Its so difficult knowing I will never be able to ask him anything that I want to ever again. I also wonder on the reg what he would think of Jamie? Obviously I love him to pieces and think that's all that would matter to my dad but still, it would be nice to know. 

So this is a message to my dad on fathers day (even though he wont get to see it);

'Dad, 
Happy Fathers Day, I hope wherever you are you are having an amazing time and don't miss us too much. 
I love you more than anything and miss you the world.
Lots of Love, 
Rue xxxx'

The big man himself circa 1992!

Of course my mum also deserves a mahoosive round of applause. She has been my rock through everything especially the whole time I have been 'depressed'. I haven't seen my mum cry or get upset probably since the year my dad died, she holds it in and stays strong for Morgan and I all the time. I don't think I will ever be able to thank my mum enough for everything she has ever done for us but I will try my best. She is the most amazing woman I have ever and will ever know and she will read this blog. 

So mum, I know I don't always show it but I am so grateful for everything you have done for me and hopefully will continue doing (because I don't know how I could do this alone). I also love you more than anything. Thank you!

So thanks for reading everyone. 

I hope everyone that is lucky enough to have such an amazing dad managed to tell them how they feel about them and if not then I hope today hasn't been to bad for you and that you know you always have someone there for you. 

Love, hugs & kisses, 
Ruby xxx

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Posted by Unknown

Slowly regaining the positivity...

17:44 | Labels: , , ,

Hello all!

Staying true to my word I am back after less than a week!

I would love to be able to say I had a gorgeous weekend with Jamie but I didn't. Don't get me wrong I loved being with him, I loved spending the whole time with him and his family but I felt awful in myself so I just couldn't properly enjoy myself, I was constantly putting myself down and hating on myself which meant I was then holding back tears a ton of the time. 

I can't get my job back, which is a shame because although I didn't particularly enjoy the work I was doing and didn't see it as a long term it was still money at the end of the month. I went in on Monday to drop of a birthday present and cleared my desk so it was all very final. So this week I have been applying for jobs. I absolutely love the hospitality industry so I have been applying for various different waittressing and bar jobs. I have also applied for a couple of retail jobs and also one in a fundraising department of a local charity.  Hopefully something will come of one of them, if not all I can do is keep trying and applying.

The main thing I have done this week though is apply for Events Management at university!! Its something I have been thinking about for a while now, when I mentioned it to people in about February they assumed I meant for next year rather than this year which made me feel like I couldn't do it. SInce leaving my job I have been determined to do what I want and not think about what other people say and applying for uni was the first step towards that. So wish me luck!

This weekend I am going to Parklife, I bought the tickets for my brother for his 18th and I am so so excited to see Snoop Dogg! 

Love, hugs & kisses, 

Ruby xxx

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Posted by Unknown

One step forward, two steps backwards!

13:52 | Labels: ,

 Hello everyone!

Lately I have been really struggling and my depression has really been overwhelming me. I haven't really wanted to blog as it would mean recognising that I have taken some pretty big steps back compared to only a couple of steps forwards. I sort of feel like I have let myself down, and all you lot that read my blog. Depression isn't a straight road though, its like the bendiest road in the world! 

I'm currently feeling so stuck in a whirlwind of negative thoughts that just arent justifiable. For example; I hate myself, I feel physically repulsed by the way I look-yet I dont have any stereotypical 'ugly' features and no-one has ever told me they think I am. Another is that I hate my life and everything within it is s**t! Again in reality I have the most amazing and supportive family, the best friends in the world (namely http://blinkeredbarbiebakes.blogspot.co.uk/), and the most fantastic, gorgeous boyfriend anyone could ever want! But it's so hard too see all the positive things when I just spiral down into these horrible thoughts. 

This week I had a massively mad moment and quit my job. I'm definitely regretting it, so I am hoping that we will be able to sort things out and I can go back. I'm an inbound call operator so basically I just answer the phone and then do a couple of other admin kind of things. Its not mega busy though and I end up having quite a lot of time to sit and think about all the hatred I have-even if it is all in my head. So after quitting I have spent 2 solid days in bed watching junk on the telly and gross as it is today is the first time I have actually got up and had a shower since Tuesday (maybe even Monday). Anyone else suffering with depression or anything similar will understand how difficult things like that are sometimes and how you get proud of yourself for actually getting up!

There have been a couple of positives this week though. I have signed back up for a hospitality agency I used to work for, basically its casual bar and waitressing. I loved it when I used to work for them and I need some enjoyment (especially in work) and the extra money will be very welcome!

I'm going to make an extra effort to come back and blog sooner rather than leaving it another month. Have a lovely weekend and you will hear from me in the next week. Thanks for reading. 

Love, hugs & kisses, 
Ruby xxx

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Posted by Unknown

Life really is a Roller-coaster!

14:48 | Labels: , , ,

Happy Friday! Only four days (well, three for me) and we’re back to the weekend!

I had such a gorgeous weekend in Belgium at my sisters. I slept in every day, I ate whatever I wanted and I absolutely loved just being with my sister and her kids. We didn't really do much ‘touristy’ stuff, my sister has lived over in Belgium for around 10 years and she has so many visitors that it gets a bit boring after a while. We went to the town funfair, it wasn't massively entertaining for the adults but my nephew went on the dodgems 7 times and absolutely loved them! We did take him on a few other rides but the dodgems were by the far the favourite. We did a lot of baking, we made a coconut tart, some fairy cakes and a chocolate tart (like I said, I ate what I liked). We also did the Easter Egg Hunt which was one of the highlights of the weekend, Oscar was absolutely amazed by the ‘Easter Bunny’ who left arrows and chocolate all over the garden!

Since coming home I had such a come down after a fab weekend. I couldn't bear the fact I was coming back to face real life. In life everything has a negative and a positive side, for example work might be annoying and we might not like getting up to go to work each day but at the end of the month our wage comes in and it’s not so bad after all. When I get in a massive depressive place I can’t think any further than the negatives. I end up thinking I hate my job, I have no friends, I have no future and there isn't any point.

This morning I gave my head a good wobble and realised everything I have; in reality my job isn't all that bad, I've got a ton of friends, I've got a plan for the future and I have tons of things to look forward to in my life! Next month I'm going to Manchester for my cousins 18th and to Scotland with Jamie. In June I'm going to Parklife with my brother and to London with my pal Neisha for a weekend. In July I’m going to Majorca with Alex. And in August I’m going to CarFest North (http://www.carfest.org/Content/CarFest-North-Landing-Page) with my mum and my brother and to Creamfields with Alex. I've also got loads of other little things going on, I'm starting horse riding lessons next week, me and Alex are going to do some meditation at the Buddhist Centre and probably loads of other stuff I haven’t even planned yet.

Life is good and I just need to keep reminding myself that it is!

Love, hugs and kisses,

Ruby xxx



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Posted by Unknown

Finally a bit of Happiness!

15:54 | Labels: , ,

Happy Tuesday!

In the past year I have never felt so positive about getting better than I do right now. Excuse the clichés and cringe but I really do think this is my time to shine and right now I think have the best chance at getting better than I ever have before. I don’t know what has suddenly released this burst of positivity but it’s there!

Last week I decided I am going back to Uni. For quite a while now I have felt my life is like a hamster wheel. I get up and go to work then do the same again 5 days a week, it’s just not cutting it for me anymore. I need some purpose in my life, I need something to look forward to and to stretch myself again. It might not be this year that I go back but just knowing that I am moving forward and my life isn’t stuck in a place that it would be stuck in forever gives me more of a reason to carry on. I’m going to study events management, hopefully in Liverpool John Moores. Being in Liverpool means I’m really close to home in case anything does go wrong but I can also live away and grow as an independent person. I’m so excited to learn new stuff again and I am defo going to be the best party planner!

My weight-loss has halted, I put 2.5lb on last week, I also ate about 10 mini rolls in about 2 days so I know where the gain came from! I have also been told countless times that I look better with extra weight. I think that is a complement, a backhanded one but still a complement? It’s probably true, I’m quite tall and if I get too small I look a bit weird.  I still feel like I need to lose weight to be comfortable with myself but I might not lose as much as I first thought I needed to.

 I went to a family member’s 50th birthday party this weekend and, not to blow my own trumpet, but nearly everyone told me how amazing I looked (there’s me on the left). Before we arrived I had tried on every dress I own and cried that I was too ugly to leave the house but when I was there and everyone was complementing me I felt a million dollars. It made me realise I have no reason to hate myself as much as I do and that it’s all in my head!


Tomorrow morning I’m jetting off to see my sister, her husband and my niece & nephew in Belgium for a week. I can’t wait! My nephew is only 3 but I have made an Easter Egg Hunt for him to do on Sunday. I don’t think he will understand the concept of it but I’m sure me and my sister will have a ball doing it with/for him! One think he will understand the concept of is painting so I have a little ceramic egg painting set we can do. I can’t wait to spend some quality time with them all as we rarely get to see them, when they visit they have so many people to see we don’t often get more than a day to spend with them. I won’t want to come home after a week. Aside all the playing I am inevitably going to be doing I’m going to read all the books I’ve wanted to read for ages, I’m going to (try and) have lie ins and most of all I’m just going to make sure I enjoy myself!

All the bits and bobs for my Easter Egg Hunt!
I hope you all have a gorgeous Easter and I will be back after my hols!

Love, hugs and kisses,


Ruby xxx

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Posted by Unknown

Tablets, therapy & my recovery!

13:33 | Labels: ,

Happy Monday! Hope you all had a gorgeous weekend.

I had a lovely weekend with Jamie but this post is a bit of a reflective one. Before I start I need to point out that this is only my opinion and is by no means factual. Without a doubt different things work better for different people when it comes to recovering from any kind of mental illness.

My boyfriend Jamie and I recently had a discussion about me getting better. Well, we talk about it quite often but this time it really got me thinking. Is there a ‘cure’ to depression? Or is there one specific therapy that works better? The answer to both of these, in my opinion, is no. If there was a cure then there wouldn’t be people in my situation.

This week marks a year since I got officially diagnosed with depression by the doctor and I got my first prescription of antidepressants. So it’s a year since it got recognised there’s actually something wrong with me and I’m not just a really moody teenager!

Throughout this journey I have been on three different antidepressants and done several different therapies and counselling. This sounds (and feels) quite a lot, but in reality it’s not. It can take a long time to get the right balance in treatment because not everything works the same for everyone.
I started on an antidepressant called Sertraline. This did make me feel marginally better, I could function and live my life. I still wasn’t myself though. I can’t remember the last time I was really happy and I can count on one hand the times in the past year I have enjoyed myself even just a tiny bit.

Alongside the Sertraline I was referred to do Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. In these six sessions I was taught techniques such as working towards a plan rather than a feeling. I continue doing things even when I don’t want to because I might enjoy them when I’m there. This CBT came to a natural end and I tried my best in carrying these techniques on. This was good to a point, but stopped being quite so effective when I no longer enjoyed doing things I used to enjoy.

In October last year I took an overdose of my Sertraline, I was at a point in my life where I felt like nothing was getting better and I didn’t want to carry on. Luckily I didn’t succeed and in a way it was a cry for help. People thought I was getting better and that things were okay but they just weren't.

After this I stayed on Sertraline and ended up paying for my own counselling privately. I saw a bereavement therapist. This helped me solve so many issues I had regarding my dads death. Now I feel so much more at ease about it. I can talk about dad and tell people about him without getting upset about him every time. This counselling also helped me realise I remember a lot more about him that I previously thought I did! Again this came to a natural end, I had gone with the goal to work through my problems around my dad and I succeeded in this.

Early this year I started a new tablet called Mirtazapine, I take this of an evening and it worked alongside my Sertraline. I don’t think it has worked very well in helping my mood as I feel worse now than I ever have but it works wonders in helping me sleep! For the first time in as long as I can remember I have been able to sleep without having nightmares and waking up through the night.

Due to the way my mood has been I have recently been taken off my Sertraline and now am on Venlafaxine. I haven’t been on these tablets for long enough to make a judgement, it’s been less than two weeks and I feel awful most days but it is extremely common, especially in young people, that antidepressants can make you feel worse before they make you feel better. Alongside these tablets I am just starting a new of talking therapy.

I’m hoping more than ever that I start feeling better soon, and that I start to enjoy things again. All I want in life is to be happy and though there is no point dwelling on the past, I don’t want to have been through everything I have this past year and not have moved any further forward.

Love, hugs & kisses,


Ruby xxx

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