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Life really is a Roller-coaster!

14:48 | Labels: , , ,

Happy Friday! Only four days (well, three for me) and we’re back to the weekend!

I had such a gorgeous weekend in Belgium at my sisters. I slept in every day, I ate whatever I wanted and I absolutely loved just being with my sister and her kids. We didn't really do much ‘touristy’ stuff, my sister has lived over in Belgium for around 10 years and she has so many visitors that it gets a bit boring after a while. We went to the town funfair, it wasn't massively entertaining for the adults but my nephew went on the dodgems 7 times and absolutely loved them! We did take him on a few other rides but the dodgems were by the far the favourite. We did a lot of baking, we made a coconut tart, some fairy cakes and a chocolate tart (like I said, I ate what I liked). We also did the Easter Egg Hunt which was one of the highlights of the weekend, Oscar was absolutely amazed by the ‘Easter Bunny’ who left arrows and chocolate all over the garden!

Since coming home I had such a come down after a fab weekend. I couldn't bear the fact I was coming back to face real life. In life everything has a negative and a positive side, for example work might be annoying and we might not like getting up to go to work each day but at the end of the month our wage comes in and it’s not so bad after all. When I get in a massive depressive place I can’t think any further than the negatives. I end up thinking I hate my job, I have no friends, I have no future and there isn't any point.

This morning I gave my head a good wobble and realised everything I have; in reality my job isn't all that bad, I've got a ton of friends, I've got a plan for the future and I have tons of things to look forward to in my life! Next month I'm going to Manchester for my cousins 18th and to Scotland with Jamie. In June I'm going to Parklife with my brother and to London with my pal Neisha for a weekend. In July I’m going to Majorca with Alex. And in August I’m going to CarFest North (http://www.carfest.org/Content/CarFest-North-Landing-Page) with my mum and my brother and to Creamfields with Alex. I've also got loads of other little things going on, I'm starting horse riding lessons next week, me and Alex are going to do some meditation at the Buddhist Centre and probably loads of other stuff I haven’t even planned yet.

Life is good and I just need to keep reminding myself that it is!

Love, hugs and kisses,

Ruby xxx



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Finally a bit of Happiness!

15:54 | Labels: , ,

Happy Tuesday!

In the past year I have never felt so positive about getting better than I do right now. Excuse the clichés and cringe but I really do think this is my time to shine and right now I think have the best chance at getting better than I ever have before. I don’t know what has suddenly released this burst of positivity but it’s there!

Last week I decided I am going back to Uni. For quite a while now I have felt my life is like a hamster wheel. I get up and go to work then do the same again 5 days a week, it’s just not cutting it for me anymore. I need some purpose in my life, I need something to look forward to and to stretch myself again. It might not be this year that I go back but just knowing that I am moving forward and my life isn’t stuck in a place that it would be stuck in forever gives me more of a reason to carry on. I’m going to study events management, hopefully in Liverpool John Moores. Being in Liverpool means I’m really close to home in case anything does go wrong but I can also live away and grow as an independent person. I’m so excited to learn new stuff again and I am defo going to be the best party planner!

My weight-loss has halted, I put 2.5lb on last week, I also ate about 10 mini rolls in about 2 days so I know where the gain came from! I have also been told countless times that I look better with extra weight. I think that is a complement, a backhanded one but still a complement? It’s probably true, I’m quite tall and if I get too small I look a bit weird.  I still feel like I need to lose weight to be comfortable with myself but I might not lose as much as I first thought I needed to.

 I went to a family member’s 50th birthday party this weekend and, not to blow my own trumpet, but nearly everyone told me how amazing I looked (there’s me on the left). Before we arrived I had tried on every dress I own and cried that I was too ugly to leave the house but when I was there and everyone was complementing me I felt a million dollars. It made me realise I have no reason to hate myself as much as I do and that it’s all in my head!


Tomorrow morning I’m jetting off to see my sister, her husband and my niece & nephew in Belgium for a week. I can’t wait! My nephew is only 3 but I have made an Easter Egg Hunt for him to do on Sunday. I don’t think he will understand the concept of it but I’m sure me and my sister will have a ball doing it with/for him! One think he will understand the concept of is painting so I have a little ceramic egg painting set we can do. I can’t wait to spend some quality time with them all as we rarely get to see them, when they visit they have so many people to see we don’t often get more than a day to spend with them. I won’t want to come home after a week. Aside all the playing I am inevitably going to be doing I’m going to read all the books I’ve wanted to read for ages, I’m going to (try and) have lie ins and most of all I’m just going to make sure I enjoy myself!

All the bits and bobs for my Easter Egg Hunt!
I hope you all have a gorgeous Easter and I will be back after my hols!

Love, hugs and kisses,


Ruby xxx

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Tablets, therapy & my recovery!

13:33 | Labels: ,

Happy Monday! Hope you all had a gorgeous weekend.

I had a lovely weekend with Jamie but this post is a bit of a reflective one. Before I start I need to point out that this is only my opinion and is by no means factual. Without a doubt different things work better for different people when it comes to recovering from any kind of mental illness.

My boyfriend Jamie and I recently had a discussion about me getting better. Well, we talk about it quite often but this time it really got me thinking. Is there a ‘cure’ to depression? Or is there one specific therapy that works better? The answer to both of these, in my opinion, is no. If there was a cure then there wouldn’t be people in my situation.

This week marks a year since I got officially diagnosed with depression by the doctor and I got my first prescription of antidepressants. So it’s a year since it got recognised there’s actually something wrong with me and I’m not just a really moody teenager!

Throughout this journey I have been on three different antidepressants and done several different therapies and counselling. This sounds (and feels) quite a lot, but in reality it’s not. It can take a long time to get the right balance in treatment because not everything works the same for everyone.
I started on an antidepressant called Sertraline. This did make me feel marginally better, I could function and live my life. I still wasn’t myself though. I can’t remember the last time I was really happy and I can count on one hand the times in the past year I have enjoyed myself even just a tiny bit.

Alongside the Sertraline I was referred to do Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. In these six sessions I was taught techniques such as working towards a plan rather than a feeling. I continue doing things even when I don’t want to because I might enjoy them when I’m there. This CBT came to a natural end and I tried my best in carrying these techniques on. This was good to a point, but stopped being quite so effective when I no longer enjoyed doing things I used to enjoy.

In October last year I took an overdose of my Sertraline, I was at a point in my life where I felt like nothing was getting better and I didn’t want to carry on. Luckily I didn’t succeed and in a way it was a cry for help. People thought I was getting better and that things were okay but they just weren't.

After this I stayed on Sertraline and ended up paying for my own counselling privately. I saw a bereavement therapist. This helped me solve so many issues I had regarding my dads death. Now I feel so much more at ease about it. I can talk about dad and tell people about him without getting upset about him every time. This counselling also helped me realise I remember a lot more about him that I previously thought I did! Again this came to a natural end, I had gone with the goal to work through my problems around my dad and I succeeded in this.

Early this year I started a new tablet called Mirtazapine, I take this of an evening and it worked alongside my Sertraline. I don’t think it has worked very well in helping my mood as I feel worse now than I ever have but it works wonders in helping me sleep! For the first time in as long as I can remember I have been able to sleep without having nightmares and waking up through the night.

Due to the way my mood has been I have recently been taken off my Sertraline and now am on Venlafaxine. I haven’t been on these tablets for long enough to make a judgement, it’s been less than two weeks and I feel awful most days but it is extremely common, especially in young people, that antidepressants can make you feel worse before they make you feel better. Alongside these tablets I am just starting a new of talking therapy.

I’m hoping more than ever that I start feeling better soon, and that I start to enjoy things again. All I want in life is to be happy and though there is no point dwelling on the past, I don’t want to have been through everything I have this past year and not have moved any further forward.

Love, hugs & kisses,


Ruby xxx

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Onwards and Upwards!

15:48 | Labels: , , ,

Hello everyone!

So, things haven’t been great recently hence why I haven’t blogged for nearly two weeks.

I lost another 2lb in Slimming World (I also put on 1lb the following week). I've been really, really good this week though and get weighed tomorrow, I feel like I have lost and even if I haven’t my size 12 jeans fit me again!

This weekend Sam and I went out for dinner to a gorgeous place by ours called ‘Fat Mommas’. I have always loved it here but usually I fill my boots with a starter, main and pudding. However on Saturday I was really good, I had baked salmon with salad and seasonal veg. I’m not a massive fan of Salmon but it was actually quite nice. I did wonder though, is there ever a time green beans aren’t in season? Whenever I go out and order the side of seasonal veg there seems to be green beans. I’m not complaining though, I love a good green bean!

I also went out with my mama on Sunday for Mother’s Day. We went to Cheshire Oaks to watch a film and go out for tea with a couple of close family friends. I took two of the girls to see the Muppets Movie. It was hilarious! I've not seen a Muppets movie before and I think I might be buying them all. ‘The mums’ went to see a screening of War Horse from the West End. They all really enjoyed that too.

After the films we went to Pizza Express for our dinner, this could have been a disaster! I managed to withhold and ordered the ‘Superfood Salad’. I was jealous of everyone getting Pizza and Pasta when I could smell them getting cooked but when mine came it was gorgeous. It would have worked out as 8 syns but as I didn't eat the avocado it was probably less than 5 syns. Mega proud of myself!


I have been feeling really low the past couple of weeks, it’s so hard to describe why I feel the way I do or even how exactly I feel. I saw an image earlier which I think describes depression really well.

‘It’s like drowning. Except you can see everyone around you breathing.’

One of the girls from work, Jess, has been absolutely amazing! I've known her less than a month and she has been so supportive of me! We've made some spontaneous plans and I haven’t had enough time to work myself up and stress so I have really enjoyed both nights. I don’t want any of my other friends to feel like I value them any less obviously but sometimes a something new is really helpful for me.

I bought my car on Monday, she’s a right beauty! I am absolutely loving being back on the road. This weekend Jamie and I are going away, just to spend some time together and I'm so excited to drive there (and see him obviously)!



Have a wonderful rest of the week everyone, we've already reached the hump-day!

Love, hugs and kisses,

Ruby xxx

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