Happy Monday! Hope you all had a gorgeous weekend.
I
had a lovely weekend with Jamie but this post is a bit of a reflective one. Before
I start I need to point out that this is only my opinion and is by no means
factual. Without a doubt different things work better for different people when
it comes to recovering from any kind of mental illness.
My
boyfriend Jamie and I recently had a discussion about me getting better. Well,
we talk about it quite often but this time it really got me thinking. Is there
a ‘cure’ to depression? Or is there one specific therapy that works better? The
answer to both of these, in my opinion, is no. If there was a cure then there wouldn’t
be people in my situation.
This
week marks a year since I got officially diagnosed with depression by the
doctor and I got my first prescription of antidepressants. So it’s a year since
it got recognised there’s actually something wrong with me and I’m not just a
really moody teenager!
Throughout
this journey I have been on three different antidepressants and done several
different therapies and counselling. This sounds (and feels) quite a lot, but in
reality it’s not. It can take a long time to get the right balance in treatment
because not everything works the same for everyone.
I
started on an antidepressant called Sertraline. This did make me feel
marginally better, I could function and live my life. I still wasn’t myself
though. I can’t remember the last time I was really happy and I can count on
one hand the times in the past year I have enjoyed myself even just a tiny bit.
Alongside
the Sertraline I was referred to do Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. In these six
sessions I was taught techniques such as working towards a plan rather than a
feeling. I continue doing things even when I don’t want to because I might
enjoy them when I’m there. This CBT came to a natural end and I tried my best
in carrying these techniques on. This was good to a point, but stopped being quite
so effective when I no longer enjoyed doing things I used to enjoy.
In
October last year I took an overdose of my Sertraline, I was at a point in my
life where I felt like nothing was getting better and I didn’t want to carry
on. Luckily I didn’t succeed and in a way it was a cry for help. People thought
I was getting better and that things were okay but they just weren't.
After
this I stayed on Sertraline and ended up paying for my own counselling
privately. I saw a bereavement therapist. This helped me solve so many issues I
had regarding my dads death. Now I feel so much more at ease about it. I can
talk about dad and tell people about him without getting upset about him every time.
This counselling also helped me realise I remember a lot more about him that I
previously thought I did! Again this came to a natural end, I had gone with the
goal to work through my problems around my dad and I succeeded in this.
Early
this year I started a new tablet called Mirtazapine, I take this of an evening
and it worked alongside my Sertraline. I don’t think it has worked very well in
helping my mood as I feel worse now than I ever have but it works wonders in
helping me sleep! For the first time in as long as I can remember I have been
able to sleep without having nightmares and waking up through the night.
Due
to the way my mood has been I have recently been taken off my Sertraline and
now am on Venlafaxine. I haven’t been on these tablets for long enough to make
a judgement, it’s been less than two weeks and I feel awful most days but it is
extremely common, especially in young people, that antidepressants can make you
feel worse before they make you feel better. Alongside these tablets I am just
starting a new of talking therapy.
I’m
hoping more than ever that I start feeling better soon, and that I start to
enjoy things again. All I want in life is to be happy and though there is no
point dwelling on the past, I don’t want to have been through everything I have
this past year and not have moved any further forward.
Love, hugs & kisses,
Ruby xxx
