Hello everyone!
Lately I have been really struggling and my depression has really been overwhelming me. I haven't really wanted to blog as it would mean recognising that I have taken some pretty big steps back compared to only a couple of steps forwards. I sort of feel like I have let myself down, and all you lot that read my blog. Depression isn't a straight road though, its like the bendiest road in the world!
I'm currently feeling so stuck in a whirlwind of negative thoughts that just arent justifiable. For example; I hate myself, I feel physically repulsed by the way I look-yet I dont have any stereotypical 'ugly' features and no-one has ever told me they think I am. Another is that I hate my life and everything within it is s**t! Again in reality I have the most amazing and supportive family, the best friends in the world (namely http://blinkeredbarbiebakes.blogspot.co.uk/), and the most fantastic, gorgeous boyfriend anyone could ever want! But it's so hard too see all the positive things when I just spiral down into these horrible thoughts.
This week I had a massively mad moment and quit my job. I'm definitely regretting it, so I am hoping that we will be able to sort things out and I can go back. I'm an inbound call operator so basically I just answer the phone and then do a couple of other admin kind of things. Its not mega busy though and I end up having quite a lot of time to sit and think about all the hatred I have-even if it is all in my head. So after quitting I have spent 2 solid days in bed watching junk on the telly and gross as it is today is the first time I have actually got up and had a shower since Tuesday (maybe even Monday). Anyone else suffering with depression or anything similar will understand how difficult things like that are sometimes and how you get proud of yourself for actually getting up!
There have been a couple of positives this week though. I have signed back up for a hospitality agency I used to work for, basically its casual bar and waitressing. I loved it when I used to work for them and I need some enjoyment (especially in work) and the extra money will be very welcome!
I'm going to make an extra effort to come back and blog sooner rather than leaving it another month. Have a lovely weekend and you will hear from me in the next week. Thanks for reading.
Love, hugs & kisses,
Ruby xxx
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