Hello everyone,
I haven't blogged for a while and I honestly couldn't say why but tonight I have decided I am going to write probably the most honest blog to date.
I hate my life so much and I don't understand why. I have an amazing (most of the time) boyfriend, I have a couple of great friends, I have a mum who drops everything to try and help me, I'm going to Uni in September to study something I am passionate about, I have everything materialistially that I could possibly want and more than what I need; but still I wake up on a daily basis and wish I hadn't, wishing I was dead.
At the beginning of this year I was just over ten stone and a size ten, I wasn't happy then but I could live with it. In February this year I started a new tablet called mirtazapine, it didn't help with my mood at all but it did work as a sedative which meant I started sleeping properly. However, one of the side effects was increased appetite and weight gain-within the space of a month or so I put on two stone and this week I bought a size sixteen dress.
I went to Uni in September 2012, I put my all into freshers and worked relatively hard at the course (for a first year anyway). In December that year all this started and I ended up leaving university with no qualification and with none of the friends I made in freshers. What if this time round I do the exact same thing? This year due to my tablets I cant drink and the thought of meeting new people sober actually scares me so much.
I don't enjoy going out with Jamie or my friends, the idea of going out fills me with complete dread. This weekend Jamie and I went to the casino and had to leave at about ten because I couldn't handle how busy it was getting. We won too so it wasn't even that we were low on money! In the past year or so I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I have been out and enjoyed myself and not worried about how I look or what people think of me or not get really really anxious.
Since my dad died I haven't felt like my 'family' is much of one. We are just a group of three people living together and being related as opposed to a family of four living together. I don't like the house we live in, on a good day it upsets me because it makes me think of my dad but on a bad day its even worse. Everywhere in our house reminds me of dad and I hate is so so much, I cant wait to move out and I would love nothing more than to leave and never come back here.
I'm in way over my head in terms of money and I'm unemployed at the moment so there is nothing I can do about it. Everyday I get stressed out about how much money I owe and there's nothing I can do to sort it out, and believe me I have tried. I can't afford to buy myself any nice things, all I want is a new pair of trainers!
I don't know what to do anymore, I have tried different tablets and therapies but when things constantly don't work i cant keep trying new things with a positive attitude and I no longer have any hope that anything will work.
Thank you for reading and I'm sorry it was so negative!
xxx
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